I have not updated my blog lately because I have been in a very dark hole. The past few months have been really tough. I had fallen into a deep depression and it seemed like the dark clouds were never going to lift. Being depressed for this period of time is like a bear going into hibernation for the winter. All you want to do is sleep. You don't care about anything in your life and you don't care if you never wake up again. Every night I would think this world would be better off without me and I would wish that I would not have to face another day. I felt like a big waste of space and that I had nothing to offer to the world anymore. I had so many dark thoughts about how to end my life and what would be the best way to do that. This is yet just another cycle of dealing with bipolar disorder. Just when you think you have your medicine worked out and you life in order, the illness will throw you a curve ball.
I was sleeping something like 16 hours a day and yet a felt so fatigued and had very low energy. I stayed in bed for nearly a month. I had very low interest in anything except watching tv. I also would eat way too much because food can be comforting when the depression hits. Everyday was so painful and I felt there is no way I could face another day. I know I am not alone and I know I have people that love me but when you are this depressed nothing really can pull you out of the abyss. I just had to hang onto anything I could to get through the past few months. It's the longest depression cycle I have had in sometime. So it just goes to show you that no matter how long you have had bipolar disorder there are still some days or months that are tough to deal with. One of the harder things I deal with each day now is not being able to work and follow my dreams that I had so long ago. I spent a great portion of my life working toward a career and now I can no longer feel the joys of the work environment. But I have to listen to my doctor and he thinks it is best that I stay on disability because I have days or months like this and I would not be stable enough for a job. So I carry on and just try to find the simple joys of life. One thing that always helps me is being around my family and my niece and nephew can always bring a laugh and a smile to my face. They are such a blessing to have in my life. I seem to be on the the upside now and I was able to get out for a few days and enjoy the sunshine. Surviving Bipolar Disorder a lot of times it just about making it through the rough times and finding what it is that can you can hold onto until your chemicals are back into balance.
While I was watching all that tv during my depression, I was so sad to see that one of my favorite Olympians had killed himself. Jeret "Speedy" Peterson took his own life last month. I know he struggled for so long with his depression and suicide thoughts. I know he must of been in so much pain when he took his life and the world will miss him so much. My thoughts and prayers are with his friends and family while they deal with such a huge loss. It just shows you that anyone can fall victim to depression and there is so much more that needs to be done to help people get through rough times.