Thursday, August 11, 2011

A day in the life of bipolar

I have not updated my blog lately because I have been in a very dark hole.  The past few months have been really tough.  I had fallen into a deep depression and it seemed like the dark clouds were never going to lift.  Being depressed for this period of time is like a bear going into hibernation for the winter.  All you want to do is sleep.  You don't care about anything in your life and you don't care if you never wake up again. Every night I would think this world would be better off without me and I would wish that I would not have to face another day.  I felt like a big waste of space and that I had nothing to offer to the world anymore. I had so many dark thoughts about how to end my life and what would be the best way to do that.  This is yet just another cycle of dealing with bipolar disorder.  Just when you think you have your medicine worked out and you life in order, the illness will throw you a curve ball. 

I was sleeping something like 16 hours a day and yet a felt so fatigued and had very low energy.  I stayed in bed for nearly a month.  I had very low interest in anything except watching tv.  I also would eat way too much because food can be comforting when the depression hits.  Everyday was so painful and I felt there is no way I could face another day.  I know I am not alone and I know I have people that love me but when you are this depressed nothing really can pull you out of the abyss.  I just had to hang onto anything I could to get through the past few months.  It's the longest depression cycle I have had in sometime.  So it just goes to show you that no matter how long you have had bipolar disorder there are still some days or months that are tough to deal with.  One of the harder things I deal with each day now is not being able to work and follow my dreams that I had so long ago.  I spent a great portion of my life working toward a career and now I can no longer feel the joys of the work environment.  But I have to listen to my doctor and he thinks it is best that I stay on disability because I have days or months like this and I would not be stable enough for a job.  So I carry on and just try to find the simple joys of life.  One thing that always helps me is being around my family and my niece and nephew can always bring a laugh and a smile to my face.  They are such a blessing to have in my life.  I seem to be on the the upside now and I was able to get out for a few days and enjoy the sunshine.  Surviving Bipolar Disorder a lot of times it just about making it through the rough times and finding what it is that can you can hold onto until your chemicals are back into balance. 

While I was watching all that tv during my depression, I was so sad to see that one of my favorite Olympians had killed himself.  Jeret "Speedy" Peterson took his own life last month.  I know he struggled for so long with his depression and suicide thoughts.  I know he must of been in so much pain when he took his life and the world will miss him so much.  My thoughts and prayers are with his friends and family while they deal with such a huge loss. It just shows you that anyone can fall victim to depression and there is so much more that needs to be done to help people get through rough times. 

11 comments:

  1. Hi Elaine, Depression is an absolute hell and you can't really define other than it seems like a hell with no end.
    Glad you are coming out of the other end of the hole.
    This is so insightful: "Surviving Bipolar Disorder a lot of times it just about making it through the rough times and finding what it is that can you can hold onto until your chemicals are back into balance."
    Thank you.

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  2. Hey! It's your cousin-in-law, Anna. Thank you so much for sharing so much of your life with this condition. My husband has bipolar disorder, so it is comforting for me to read about what he is thinking and feeling during his hard times, since I know communicating is the last thing someone in that position has on their mind. I am glad you have your niece and nephew....I know Chris finds joy with our son on his hard days. I hope that the darkness fades for you...I have learned that it comes and goes without reason. I am thinking of you and my cousin daily! All my love!

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  3. Thank you for reading my blog and I am glad it helped you maybe have a better understanding of it. It's a tough illness but family and great support get you through each day. I am always here for you if you have any questions or concerns. All my love.

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  4. Hello,

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    ReplyDelete
  5. Hello,

    Nice article has been shared. it was fun reading your this article and also did get lots of good information from here. thanks for sharing such article from here. i would like to see some information related to endometriosis here in this article. keep on posting such article here in future too.

    Thanks,

    ReplyDelete
  6. Your article was very imformative and you are very brave for writing. I lost my daughter to suicide 6 months ago. My therapist thinks she had Bipolar disorder. I never really knew what bipolar was until her death, but putting all the info out there for people to learn is so important. It could really make a difference. I wish I had known all this before. I hope you get the mood stabalizers that you need to funtion. Thanks so much for writing and best wishes to you.

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  7. i would like to comment, do i have to join???

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  8. i just found this page from 'nowhere' and i am desparate for help. i know TOO well how u felt during those months. i never thought anyone else could be as 'depressed' as me. u described exactly how i feel which is not so good but maybe im not the only one. they won't even diagnose me with Bipolar. i KNOW i have Bipolar 11. I have to go to 'County Clinic" and it is like they will say "YES, u have all those symptoms" i went over the BOOK with her...But i suppose it's 'political' or some reason. i hate that place, but cannot afford anything else. As you, I had a very good career, never thought i would 'fall' into this. I am 53, i think i got bipolar build up at 16 but went WILD at 19, well my life went wild. I don't know how i managed my schooling and all the years of career without even a diatnosis or medicine. Now i am diagnosed as PTSD and um,,,some? personality disorder. It came as some 'saving grace' because tonight might be the worst night of my life. a meteor fell 2 days ago,,,,and i think my 21 yrs old daughter (instead of just being a Leo, difficult, talented painter and truly close to Genius) I just said to myself 'i think it's bipolar' (it made me nauseous to write that) Now there are just 2 of us,,,,no family,,,,father lives in Los Angeles, but we just found him 6 months ago. i need help.

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  9. i have bipolar and i have a daughter and i think she has it too. we live in this tiny house. i have no support, a family that wants to 'put me away',,,they 'want' my daughter,,,,yes, and now i am thinking she is been acting 'this way' for years. i also got a concussion, so i don't need stress. i can't wrote
    write

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    Replies
    1. I am so sorry to hear that you are having so much stress. Yes Bipolar Disorder does runs in families. I have many family members that have it. Support is the best thing that gets me through the tough days. I know a lot of people that I have spoken to that do not have family support. There are many support groups out there as well as online. www.nami.org is a great place to start. They can direct you to your local chapter that meets once a month. They also have great places to chat with others. Also twitter has great groups online that chat nightly about living with Bipolar Disorder. Use hash tags #bipolardisoder #mentalillness or #mhsm

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  10. I am so sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. Yes you are not the only one that feels this way. So you are not alone in your fight. No one really officially told me I had Bipolar Disorder until I was in my 30's though my treatment was for someone with Bipolar Disorder. I was 16 at the time so they do not like to do that. I am sorry your care has been so poor and that seems to be a theme these days. They have cut so much funding and I write many letters to Government on this topic. I would suggest to find a support group. I tend to talk to people online because it helps during the dark moments. If you go to www.nami.org there are great discussion groups in there and many people who know what you are going through. I use twitter a lot as well. There are so many great people on there that write blogs and are very helpful. I am also here if you just need to talk or just to vent.

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