A Break in the Clouds

If you have been following my blog you might know that I have been in a huge struggle with my medicine not working and having to change my Psychiatrist.   Well I am happy to report that after one week of treatment with the new medicine that I am doing quite well and very stable.  This past week has truly been a blessing in my life.  My new Psychiatrist took me off of Paxil and Topomax and prescribed Wellbutrin SR 150 mg for my anti-depressant and 50 mg of Lamictal as my mood stablizer for the first week.  Tomorrow he is increasing my Wellbutrin SR to 150 mg twice a day and then after another week I will be on 100 mg of Lamictal.  He is being very cautious to start me with smaller doses to see how I react and to see if there are any side effects.  I am glad that he is prescribing lower does and it gives me more confidence in him.   Building trust with new Psychiatrist will take a lot longer but at least I feel confident in his knowledge of the illness and the medication. 

Well after the first week I am happy to report that I am feeling so much better with very low side effects.  I  almost feel as good as I did the year before my first attack at 16.  This is something I have never been able to achieve since my treatment.  I know it's early but at least thus far I feel more balanced then in many long years,  I have been in this seat before a few times but I have never felt this good.  I would get stable on my medicine and then the medicine for whatever reason would quit working.   So while I feel stable and happier than I have been in years, I look around the corner to see if mania is coming or more episodes of depression mixed with suicidal feelings.  I am trying to stay optimistic about my new treatment but I guess there is still a part of me that is finding it hard to believe that I feel so good at the moment.   I know only time will tell and I wonder if I will be writing my next blog article about how my treatment did not work or only worked for a few weeks. 

It's funny because I am so happy I keep asking everyone in my support team if I seem manic or even hypo manic.  Everyone that has been with me and around my illness for years just states no you are not manic and tell me I just seem happy and balanced.  I guess the sheer fact that I am asking others if I seem manic then I am not.   When I have been in manic states in the past I have no clue that I am and no one can tell me otherwise.  My social anxiety even seems better this week.  Yesterday I got outside into my own car and drove myself alone to my optometrist office.   I actually went to an appointment without someone on my support team driving me or sitting in the office to be there if I had a panic attack.  I know to most people this seems so basic and an everyday occurrence but for me it was a huge break through.  I even went home last week to my parents home because my father was having surgery to help my mom and I did fine being around people I did not know all week.  So all of these steps are huge and I could not be prouder of myself and thankful for the treatment plan working. 

Something really neat also happened while I was at home.  It was just my Mom and I riding back in the car and she looked over with tears in her eyes and said "you know, I could be planning your funeral this week but instead you really helped me with your father through his after care."  I know my Mom and Dad have always been there for me no matter what and supported me through tough times but it was nice for someone to say you are needed here and for me to believe it and feel worthy and useful.  For the first time in a long time I am not waking up to the thoughts of " I just don't want to be here and I wished I could die.  Instead I have been going to bed early and getting a full eight hours of sleep and then wake up feeling fresh and energized.  So for now I am enjoying a break in the clouds and I can finally feel the sunshine on my face.  I hope my stability continues but only time will tell what is next on my journey with bipolar disorder. 

Celebrities can have Bipolar Disorder too

With the recent news of Catherine Zeta-Jones confirming she has Bipolar Disorder, I was interested to see how many celebrities and well known iconic figures in our society deal with the illness.  I was always very found of Ms. Zeta- Jones acting and singing talent but she also seems to be just a beautiful person on the inside and out and a great family person.  She has demonstrated such strength caring for her husband, Michael Douglas, during his battle with cancer.  This can take a toll on any person but a person with bipolar disorder has an even greater struggle with the stress.  I applaud the fact that she was strong enough to also come out to the public and be so open about her disorder.  After doing some digging on the net I was surprised to find out just how many famous people in our past and present society battle or battled bipolar disorder and also gained great success and respect from so many people.  I started thinking if more and more of these "icons" started to come out on record and say they suffer from it and they have received successful treatment, then it might be the right direction to help fight some of the stigma related to the illness.

 I think one of things that has hindered breaking down the barriers is that so many people are afraid to admit they suffer from it and are ashamed to get help.  I do understand why people do not like to share something so private and painful with so many because I myself have been judged harshly by my own peers at school, later in the workplace, many times at my local church, and surprisingly enough my own family members.  It takes some time just to accept that you have the illness but it can sometimes take longer for others to understand it and then to accept as just another medical condition that requires treatment.  There is only one person in my entire life that once they found out I did have bipolar disorder never blinked nor treated me any different as the minute before he knew about it.  That person is my wonderful husband and even after two years later he sees me and not my illness.  He is a wonderful support and there are not enough words to ever tell him how much I appreciate how much of a support to me he is in my life. 

Why are Bipolar Patients more likelly to get SAD

When you first look at the title you simply think oh they suffer from depression, so of course they are sad.  This SAD is quite different though then just being sad.  SAD stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder.  As I was going through my routine this morning and that includes any interesting topics that I find on twitter.  One tweet really caught my eye that was listed by http://www.bpkids.org/.  Per the article that Child & Adolescent Bipolar Foundation linked, stated that research shows that patients that have bipolar disorder are more likely to display symptoms of SAD.  The full article can be found at http://www.medwire-news.md/55/91425/Bipolar_Disorder/SAD_and_symptom_seasonality_common_in_BAD_patients.html

Fight for your right to be healthy and stable

This weekend was a difficult one for me. I was starting to feel very depressed, hopeless, and alone.
I am fortunate though because I have a strong support system filled with people that truly can help me get back on track. Some people may not have all the resources that I have and need the help and funding from governmental programs so that they can live a fairly stable life. Then today my husband showed me an article that was very hard for me to believe. I couldn't believe that someone that is a Representative of our government could think such barbaric thoughts and be so insensitive to people with mental illness. As per the Huffington post article http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/03/10/martin-harty-suggests-sen_n_834316.html the NH representative said that people who have mental illness are defective and should be shipped off to Siberia. He did resign this position today but it did just show me how far we have to go to educate more people about mental illness and that there is treatment for it and why these programs are needed.  I encourage anyone that is reading this to contact your local representatives and senators and have them fight for mental health programs and not to cut programs in your state. It is crucial for people with mental illness to have access to good health care with doctor visits and be able to afford their medications. If we stop the funding for these programs I am afraid there will be more people that might become homeless or commit suicide because they do not have the access to these needed programs.

I guess I found myself in a depressed state after the personal attack to my illness, but after reading the above article I was inspired to fight even harder and to help educate even more people about the truth of bipolar disorder. It is a hard disease to live with and it takes a lot of effort to live a fairly stable life, but it treatable. This is why it is so important for anyone that lives with bipolar disorder or knows someone that does to speak out and let our government know that mental health programs are important and very needed in our society for someone to survive with bipolar disorder.

How was I diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at such a young age?

So many people ask me how I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at such a young age.  Back in 1989, very little was really known about this disorder and there was such limited information.  Back in those days it was still referred to as Manic Depressive.  The one thing that I believe caused my illness to surface so early was all the stress in my life.  A lot people have said at 16, how could the stress be bad enough to cause symptoms.  Well as most people remember that time in any one's life can be difficult.  The problem with me though was was my need for perfection and overachieving.  I was taking 5 college level classes in the 11th grade, I was on the school's dance team, I was President of the honor society, and I was involved with many clubs and doing volunteer work as well.  I still remember the shock in the eyes of the treatment team when they looked at just my class schedule.  They said that no one should be under such stress and it was no surprise to them that I was having extreme mood swings.  I was barely sleeping back then and I was also obsessed with my weight so I would skip eating for days.   This was a recipe for disaster.