Something new, Something old, Something blue, Something no one knew

The last time I wrote on my blog the sun was shining, the birds were singing and I felt better then I had ever felt in my life.  This was my something new.   I kept wondering when the bottom was going to fall out of my new feelings of well being.  I kept asking and asking everyone I knew around me if I seemed manic.  All of them said they do not see the manic signs I showed in the past.  Then I ran into something I knew nothing about or had ever felt.  That something was Hypomania.  That was the something I never really knew much about.  For some odd reason I only thought that was part of Bipolar Disorder 2.  As a person living with Bipolar Disorder 1, I had always had extreme moods swings of being very manic or extremely depressed.  I have never encountered the feelings I had with being hypomanic.  I was very confused and thought that maybe just maybe my medication had kicked in very quick.  I also thought that maybe I was healed by God because I am a Christian.  Well God has a plan for my life and at this time he still wants me to continue down this path.   I know as a patient for many years, medicine does not work that fast but I guess I was living in the great feelings and I did not see it.  My own guess is to why I was kicked into that state was maybe that I was coming off one antidepressant and a mood stabilizer and then introduced to a new ones.  As I look back on that week that I felt "normal" and how I thought most people live their life.  I now can see I was Hypomanic. 

So after about five days of having all these wonderful feelings about life and about myself and having a ton of energy, I finally crashed and stayed in bed for two days feeling so tired from all the activities I had been doing.  This was the something that was old and blue.  Thank goodness when I was hypomanic all I did was clean my house from top to bottom, workout everyday, and I was able to drive myself to places and had no social anxiety.  I did not do anything careless or reckless that normally comes with full blown mania.  I actual did really productive things that I needed to do months ago.  I was able to to finish task and I slept about five hours a day and I woke up feeling refreshed and full of energy.  I was also talking every one's ears off but it was not rapid speech that did not make sense or too fast.  So for a few days all I did was look up hypomania and find out all I could about it to see if that is what happened to me.  I have been keeping a mood journal for eight weeks now and my Psychiatrist confirmed that is was hypomania.  The largest difference I found between hypomanic and full blown mania was that I did not have psychotic thoughts or symptoms and no grandiosity about my life or something I wanted to do in the future that was reckless or harmful to my life.  I was also able to be highly functional and I was sleeping every night.  In the past when I had full blown mania I did not sleep for days and I could not be told or believe I was manic. 

I was reading on the NAMI website that someone referred to it as "mania lite".  I thought that was a good way to describe it.  It lies somewhere just under mania but higher than deep depression.  So for someone who has studied and tried just about any medicine and therapy, I could not believe I had never been told that as a Bipolar Disorder 1 patient that I was also capable of feeling something in between the two.  I will be honest I was quite sad when the bottom fell out. I felt cheated of feeling normal for once in a very long time.  I would also love to stay at this level because the feelings were wonderful.  But with my illness I know this is not a healthy or productive attitude.  After my crash I fell into a depression with one or two days with suicidal thoughts and felt I was worthless.  I have a wonderful support team that got me through those days.  After the new medicine kicked in I was no longer feeling depressed but I also felt like a Zombie.  I felt very medicated and just really had no feelings of happy or sad.  So after quite a journey on Mr. Toads Wild Ride of going up and down, I finally started feeling a lot happier with no suicide thoughts but I still had some issues.  I kept reading from other people on the same medication to just hang on because it can take about six to eight weeks for my medicine to truly kick in and make me more stable. 

My last visit to my Psychiatrist went fairly well.  He tweaked my medicine slightly.  Taking the second dose of Wellbutrin in the afternoon kept me from sleeping at night, so he changed me over to Wellbutrin XL 300 mg to take just once in the morning with an increased dose of my mood stabilizer to 150 mg of Lamictal.  I also still take .5 mg of Xanax for my panic attacks and social anxiety.  In a few weeks he wants to get me to 200 mg of Lamital and stop there unless I have issues.  I did not get the rash that everyone warned me about so that was a relief and for the most part the side effects are less than other medications I have tried in the past. I know these medication do no work for everyone just like I can't take other medications.  I really do like my new Psychiatrist and I feel he has an incredible knowledge of Pharmacology.  He is actually something old in my life as well.  When I was admitted into the hospital for suicidal thoughts and extreme depression about ten years ago he was my doctor and he got me home within 6 days.   I am thankful to have found him again and the last thing he said to me was "keep up the good work".  As a person with this illness that could not be more true because everyday is work to stay on top of your environment, medication, and staying stable.

It's funny I read an article last week that stated that Bipolar Disorder is just a made up illness by doctors and Pharmaceutical companies to make money and there is no such thing as a chemical imbalance in the brain.  Well I am here to say other wise and my last eight weeks if not last 20 years has proved that theory very wrong. I do have an imbalance and the only thing that helps is the doctors and medication.   I feel stable at the moment but I know it's a daily fight and I take it one day at a time and I am very thankful for my wonderful husband for sticking by me, taking care of me and loving me for the real me.  My Mom and Dad are also very helpful when I need help while my husband is working.  I feel very blessed to have so many wonderful love ones in my life that get me to the next week.  I turn 40 in about a month and instead of being sad or feeling old I am celebrating that I have made it to 40 years.  This illness can take so many lives early in their life and I have made it this far and fight everyday to make another 40 years. 

Celebrities can have Bipolar Disorder too

With the recent news of Catherine Zeta-Jones confirming she has Bipolar Disorder, I was interested to see how many celebrities and well known iconic figures in our society deal with the illness.  I was always very found of Ms. Zeta- Jones acting and singing talent but she also seems to be just a beautiful person on the inside and out and a great family person.  She has demonstrated such strength caring for her husband, Michael Douglas, during his battle with cancer.  This can take a toll on any person but a person with bipolar disorder has an even greater struggle with the stress.  I applaud the fact that she was strong enough to also come out to the public and be so open about her disorder.  After doing some digging on the net I was surprised to find out just how many famous people in our past and present society battle or battled bipolar disorder and also gained great success and respect from so many people.  I started thinking if more and more of these "icons" started to come out on record and say they suffer from it and they have received successful treatment, then it might be the right direction to help fight some of the stigma related to the illness.

 I think one of things that has hindered breaking down the barriers is that so many people are afraid to admit they suffer from it and are ashamed to get help.  I do understand why people do not like to share something so private and painful with so many because I myself have been judged harshly by my own peers at school, later in the workplace, many times at my local church, and surprisingly enough my own family members.  It takes some time just to accept that you have the illness but it can sometimes take longer for others to understand it and then to accept as just another medical condition that requires treatment.  There is only one person in my entire life that once they found out I did have bipolar disorder never blinked nor treated me any different as the minute before he knew about it.  That person is my wonderful husband and even after two years later he sees me and not my illness.  He is a wonderful support and there are not enough words to ever tell him how much I appreciate how much of a support to me he is in my life. 

Celebrate your survival with mental illness each year

The other day I was trying to think why do my Birthdays mean so much to me.  It is not the presents, it is not parties that people throw for me, and it is not the attention you get from it.  I finally figured out that it meant that I had made it another year surviving with bipolar disorder.  Some people may not understand why living another year is such a big deal but to a person with a mental illness it can be a huge milestone.  The statistics are not in our favor.  They say about 1 in 5 people with bipolar disorder will kill themselves.  I can relate to this so much because I suffer more from severe depression more and I have to fight the suicidal thoughts too often.   When I did a fundraiser walk-a-thon  for The American Foundation For Suicide Prevention http://www.afsp.org/, I realized just how devastating a suicide can be on the family and friends left behind.  They  have so much guilt, they feel they should of done more, or that they should of seen more and figured it out. The number one comment I have ever heard is that they all wished they had one more day back with their loved ones to tell them how much they were loved and missed.  I always keep these comments close to me when I get to feeling really down and remember how much more pain I would cause if I did end my life.

Why are Bipolar Patients more likelly to get SAD

When you first look at the title you simply think oh they suffer from depression, so of course they are sad.  This SAD is quite different though then just being sad.  SAD stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder.  As I was going through my routine this morning and that includes any interesting topics that I find on twitter.  One tweet really caught my eye that was listed by http://www.bpkids.org/.  Per the article that Child & Adolescent Bipolar Foundation linked, stated that research shows that patients that have bipolar disorder are more likely to display symptoms of SAD.  The full article can be found at http://www.medwire-news.md/55/91425/Bipolar_Disorder/SAD_and_symptom_seasonality_common_in_BAD_patients.html